Eggnog (Johnson Family Recipe)

I never understood why anyone liked eggnog until I had this recipe. That was when I realized that preservative-laden eggnog from a carton is holiday-spiced pus compared to the real thing. Serve with plenty of brandy, just the way I did when I realized one ski trip that I probably wouldn't ever get anything valuable and meaningful out of being with this dude I'd gone with. Except for this recipe, of course.

Ingredients:

4 eggs (separated)

1 can sweetened condensed milk (Carnation, Eagle, or whatever you like)

4 cups milk (whole, of course. It's not like you're going to suddenly make a low-fat version of this by using white water. That's like ordering a KFC Double-Down and a diet soda)

1 pint heavy cream

2 tsp vanilla

1 pinch salt

fresh grated nutmeg (important)

Tools:

1 hand-mixer or whisk

1 rubber spatula

1 big-ass bowl

1 medium-ass bowl

1 pitcher

In the medium-ass bowl, whip the egg whites until lovely soft peaks form. In the big-ass bowl, whip the yolks until they're light. Then add the can of condensed milk (scrape all that goodness out of the can with the rubber spatula). Whisk the yolks and condensed milk until they're uniform. Add 1 1/3 cup of the heavy cream and carefully stir until the sticky mess is lightened. Pour in the milk, vanilla, and salt, then whisk together to make a nice uniform liquid. Gently fold the egg whites into the mixture as best you can with the spatula (it may not incorporate well at first). Scrape that mixture into a tasteful pitcher. Whip the remaining 2/3 cup heavy cream. Now, assemble a picturesque glass of liquid gold by pouring a nice snifter of brandy, mixing in about 2 or 3x as much eggnog, then topping off with a touch of whipped cream and fresh nutmeg.