Bizkits

I wish they sold buttermilk in smaller containers because I always have 3/4 of a bottle left after making the Amanda's Mom's Cake recipe (for which buttermilk is crucial). Frankly, buttermilk scares me - it's like intentionally bad milk, and I have no idea how to use it up, nor how to tell if it's gone bad (it doesn't pass the sniff test I use to check dairy products in my fridge). My latest bottle also has the expiration date smudged out, so I'm even more obligated to use it up before too much time has gone by. Fortunately, Alton Brown rescued me from certain diarrhea with this delicious buttermilk bizkit recipe.

Ingredients:

2 cups flour

4 tbsp baking powder

1/3 tbsp baking soda

3/4 tbsp salt

2 tbsp cold butter (fresh from the fridge)

2 tbsp shortening (or lard - bizkits in the south taste so good because they've been made with love and lard)

1 cup cold buttermilk

This recipe gets kinda messy so the following clever prep things to do first are kind of crucial so you don't end up with bizkit dough smeared all over your kitchen, fridge handle, or oven:

- Preheat the oven to 450.

- Pre-measure the buttermilk (don't worry, the prep is fast so it'll still be cold)

- Generously flour the kneading surface (have a small pile of flour prepped for additional flouring)

- Scratch your crotch or any other place that might be itchy and need scratching (wash hands thoroughly afterwards)

These are all crucial preparation (H) steps. Now to get to the recipe-proper: Mix up the flour, baking powder, and baking soda in a big bowl. Whip in some salt. Cut up the butter into little pebble-sized cubes. Attempt to do the same with the shortening. Massage the fat-pebbles into the flour mixture until it looks like it's formed coarse grainy pellets (don't work it too long - you don't want the butter to melt). Here comes the mess: dump in the pre-measured buttermilk and mix about with either your hands or a spoon (your hands are already a mess - you might as well just get back in there). Flop out that wet sticky mess onto your pre-floured surface and fold/knead 5 to 10 times (flouring the top of the dough if necessary to keep it from sticking to the surface). Form up the dough into a rectangle (or circle) about 1 inch thick. Cut up the dough with a 2 or 3 inch diameter bizkit-cutter (or if you're cheap like me, get one of your square rocks glasses). Put the bizkits onto a baking sheet and bake for 15-20 min (until the tops get golden). Makes 6 giant fluffy delicious Hardee's biskits, or more if you make 'em smaller.